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Exclusive: Government to choose next Archbishop of Canterbury

By our Ecclesiastical Reporter, Hywel Ridd-Mee

Our analysis and contacts suggest that Government is moving to change how the Archbishop of Canterbury is selected, possibly in exchange for some “emergency roof funding”. Our contact noted that “the Archbishop makes frequent moral statements for the general population; however, sometimes these statements are anti Government policy and often anti-capitalist. Consistent with our policies on the BBC, we cannot allow such bias to continue”.

One other contact noted that “while it’s against our instincts to intervene in matters like these, Anglican Church attendances have been in dramatic decline for a long time now. Clearly, the system is in need of major overhaul. If you were a business, you’d have replaced the CEO by now!

It is not known who the Government has in mind for this post. Some names suggested by our sources, however, include Paul Dacre, Malik Karim and “Even” Chris Grayling.

Lambeth Palace was approached for comment but they told us to piss off.

 

Is Chris Grayling in training for a new role?

 

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